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Let me begin by telling you about our Amtrak (mis)adventures.
It all began with the rail-pass. It’s a deal where you can have 8 rides for the small sum of 360 within a period of 15 days- or so we thought. When I went to buy the pass a week after checking it out online, the price had increased to 429.00. Blah #1. So I buy it online, get my code and arrive at the station in Providence with plenty of time to collect my first ticket, and board the train to NYC. Wrong again. The Amtrak man almost has an anurysm trying to figure out how to connect my railpass code with a physical ticket stubb, and while I glance nervously at my watch, prints out a ticket that has not only the wrong destination, but also the wrong last name.
Fast-forward past NYC and D.C to the train from the Capitol to Atlanta. Junkshow #3 (#2 involved the NYC to D.C train being 40 minutes late and costing an extra fee. What? After buying a railpass?). It’s a 6:30 p.m overnight train and we have coach tickets (just seats). After collecting our bags from an $8 per hour bag check, and as Jenn goes to refill our water-bottles, a short, festively plump woman in a tweed jacket and lugging an overstuffed rolly bag approaches me. ‘Oh, Hallo!’ she says in a thick, thick, thick Polish accent, ‘I vud laihk to know, vhere, to sit.’ It’s unassigned seating and I tell her so, with the woman sitting next to me agreeing in a soft southern accent. ‘Oh, so how mahny seats I get?’ One, ma’am. She looks surprised. ‘Vat, only one?’ Well, if theres’s not a lot of people you can probably spread out, but yeah, only one. More astonishment. She turns to the woman sitting next to me, ‘Oh, hallo!’ Oh Rosetta stone, how I love thee. ‘I vud liahk to knaw, how long it is to New Orleans?’ ”Umm, around 27 hours,” comes the reply. This time it’s utter bewilderment on the Polish woman’s face. ‘Please, you tell me, why you crazy, why you not fly? It is too long, crazy person.’ The soft-spoken women delivers the zinger: ‘I’m eight-months pregnant.’ Again with the astonishment. I’m bamboozled and engrossed by this interaction- the woman is obviously ready to burst, and the Polish woman is chagrined. Jenn returns, Amtrak announces our track and after a cursory glance at our tickets by an Amtrak official, we proceed to K26.
We board. I sleep. We talk. It’s dark now, and I’m sitting in the window seat facing in towards Jenn. I notice the man across and up a row from us is watching TV. Thats nice, I go back to talking to Jenn. Wait, what? There’s no T.V on Amtrak. So, the man has very thoughtfully brought his own 30in. widescreen TV monitor with him, which is now perched on his baggage in front of him, blaring out a terrible shoot-em up Vin Diesel movie. Nope, no headphones. My distraction from Jenn is almost complete when halfway through the movie he decides to switch to another Vin Diesel thriller in which the opening scene features the dies doing a double backflip on a snowmobile off of a 300ft. cliff and while in the middle of the backflip unholstering his gun and reaching over his shoulder and aiming and shooting and blowing up the giant jetfighter airplane that has appeared behind him. Between that and the fact that the armrest on the window seat is slanted so you can’t actually rest an arm there, and the morbidly obese couple snoring their way to cookie heaven, it was a long night.
In the morning the obese couple can’t seem to collect their stuff fast enough to suit each-other and much ‘John, John!, MaryAnne, MaryAnne, John! Move left, move to your left! We’ve gotta go!’ ensues. Jenn gets stuck behind both them and a blind woman. I speed past and escape to find a map at the Amtrak kiosk. They don’t have any maps, of anything. Would I expect any less?
But as Jenn just put it oh so finely, Amtrak’s redeeming quality is well, it’s a train.
-CMJ